A Comprehensive Guide To Creating An Orgasm In Your Mouth A.K.A Homemade raw vegan dark choc truffles in a rainbow of flavours. Amen.

A Comprehensive Guide To Creating An Orgasm In Your Mouth

A.K.A Homemade raw vegan dark choc truffles in a rainbow of flavours. Amen.

DISCLAIMER: I am the most random cook I know – I don’t follow recipes, I don’t measure things, and I don’t guarantee yours will turn out the same as mine. Heck, half the time mine don’t even turn out the same as mine! Having said that, I have a very, very high success rate when it comes to creating delicious vegetarian/vegan food across the board… So, if you read the following, follow the general principles, and are willing to love whatever gets born, even if it’s not exactly, exactly what you were expecting, things are gonna get delicious in that sweet mouth of yours very soon! Cooking is an act of creativity and creation – be willing to experiment! 😉

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A note on ingredients: Most of the following ingredients are expensive. I’ve included a tip or two which will lower the cost a tad, but the whole adventure is still going to cost significantly more than your average block of Cadbury. Which it’s supposed to. We’re not just talking about empty calories to satisfy a sweet tooth here. This ain’t just dessert – this is SUPER FOOD! Uhuh! Buy the best quality you can afford in everything. If it comes down to a choice between more ingredients for these babies and being able to afford to send your kids to college… Just remember, you can learn everything for free online these days anyway. And their brains need SUPER FOODS! (Who are we kidding though, these aren’t for kids. 😛 They can have an apple or something. These are grown-up delicacies!)

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INGREDIENTS:

The chocolate casing:

Cacao butter. This is the doozy. The daddy-king of them all. Available from comprehensive organic/health food shops. Do not attempt these truffles without it. Just no. I will disown you.

Cacao powder. Obviously raw organic is the gold. Otherwise get just organic. Or, if you really and truly aren’t committed to this at all, get a good quality European cocoa powder. (No, I didn’t misspell it the first time. Don’t know the difference? Read this –http://www.iquitsugar.com/raw-cacao-vs-cocoa-whats-the-difference/   ) If you get anything but the raw organic, the result won’t technically be raw, as cocoa powder is heated to the bullshit. Just saying. Your mouth might not be able to tell the first time, but baby Jesus will know.

Agave syrup. A sweet syrup extracted from some cactus with the consistency of really runny honey. Comes in light or dark. Available at all major supermarkets and all hippie food shops worth their salt. I don’t have a preference between light and dark, experiment to see if you do. You could also use coconut sugar or rapadura. Google the benefits of any and everything I mention if you’re keen – They’re all allegedly awesome. I generally stick with agave so that’s my recommendation. DO NOT USE honey. Not only will the bee worker union picket you, your chocolate will suck. I know because I tried it. Rooky error.

Optional:

Coconut Butter aka Coconut Oil. I use 50/50 melted cacao butter and coconut oil – mainly because cacao butter is around $80 a kilo and coconut oil is closer to $20. Cacao butter is REALLY rich, (JK Rowling kinda rich.) so if you use 100% cacao butter, it’s gonna be even more intense!

Method:

1. Get yourself a wee little saucepan and fill it half way up with water. Put small ceramic/glass bowl in the water, put a decent chunk of cacao butter in the bowl. Boil the water until the cacao butter melts. (DO NOT microwave melt it or I will personally slap you. Heathen. )

2. If your coconut butter is solid, add an equal amount to the bowl and let it melt too. If it’s already liquid just mix it in after the cacao is melted.

3. Remove from heat, take inner bowl out of saucepan. Dance around when you inadvertently dunk your fingers in the hot water while you’re lifting the bowl out. (Dance monkey, dance!)

4. Sift cacao powder into your bowl of melted butters. How much? Do I look like The Oracle?!  🙂 How much dry to liquid you add at this stage depends totally on what you’re going to do with your chocolate in the next step…

5. Just for now, add enough so that you end up with a thick paste just thick enough to hold its shape on its own.

6. Somewhere around now you also want to add your agave syrup. Agave is the sweetener so it’s totally up to you how much you add. Taste-testing is your friend! The sweetness of the chocolate can also be adjusted to whatever you intend to put into the centre of your truffles. 🙂 Just experiment, it’s all yummy!

6a. If you refrigerate what you have thus far (in cupcake cases or ice-cube trays or just on flat baking tray) then, ta-da! Home-made raw vegan chocolate! Is yum. But it can be better… Keep reading.

The gooey centre goodness:

This is a basic standard, there are a thousand variations, all of which I want to tell you about, but we’ve got to start somewhere!

Cashew nuts (If you buy the pieces, it’s generally cheaper.)

Agave syrup/coconut sugar/sweetener of your choice.

Desiccated coconut. (This is optional, but it bulks out the more expensive cashew nuts.)

Frozen rasperries. (Or strawberries, or mango, or even peppermint or orange oil.)

Coconut cream. (Optional depending on what consistency you want.)

1. Throw a handful of cashews (and coconut if you’re using it) into a whizzing machine. I use a ‘Magic Bullet’ (Which always cracks me up because I swear I had a sex toy with the same name once. You can get them (the food one, not the sex one) at Big W for $100 and they are awesome for a million reasons. I use mine everyday! Personalised smoothies ahoy!) but you could also use a food processor or whatevs. Whizz it until it’s a floury consistency. Take it out.

2. Throw your handful of raspberries into the whizzer. Whizz them ’til they’re smooshy. Mix the two together.

3.Add agave syrup to taste. The consistency you’re looking for is… smooshy. Not wet, smooshy.

4. Add coconut cream a small spoonful at a time if it needs to be smooshier.  (Follow the same steps but substitute strawberries, mangoes, peppermint oil etc for difference flavour ‘creams’.)

OK…

Assembly.

1. Procure an ice-cube tray or two.

2. Half fill with chocolate and squish a little indent in the middle with your finger.

3. Freeze for a few minutes.

4. Take ’em out, fill the little indents with your raspberry cream.

5. Freeze for another few minutes.

6. Cover with remaining chocolate mixture.

7. Freeze again… For as long as you can hold out.

8. Pop those tasty little cubes out.

9. Take off all your clothes.

10. Put one in your mouth.

11. Chocolate truffle orgasm.

Hallelujah!!! 😉

Phew!

Ya, pretty much like that.
Ya, pretty much like that.

Extra bits:

These are pretty much a superfood already… But if you want even more bang for your buck… You could add some chia seeds to the cream, and a little bit of macca powder to the chocolate mix. (Go easy on the macca powder, it’s gross on its own. The objective is definitely not to be able to taste it!)

These will keep in the freezer as long as you can keep your chocolatey little fingers off them… (This is a theory, I just eat them.)

However, if you want to be able to keep them in the fridge, or in your lunch box, substitute the frozen fruit for dried fruit of your choice and omit the coconut cream. Your filling will be a lot stiffer, but they won’t melt out of the fridge anymore than ‘normal’ chocolate would.

If you’re a saint, share them with your friends.

If you’re not – eat them by yourself at night… By candle-light. Slowly.

Here ends my first ever ‘recipe’ post.

Comments/questions welcome. 😀

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