Dear small, doubting self,
You are not alone in this. I know it feels that you are in so, so many moments but you are not. I know you feel like you are unsupported and abandoned. You are not.
You are not failing at any of this. The seeds you have sown will grow. They will grow wildly and abundantly and you will look back and shake your head in wonder at ever having doubted yourself and Life so strongly. But your doubt is strong right now, I know. You feel like you’re ‘stuck on a giant hamster wheel and will be until my little hamster legs reach maximum exhaustion and I take my final little hamster breath and finally drop off the bloody thing.’* You have meditated on death and you have realised that Life is pointless, that there is nothing real to achieve. You have seen a great truth but you have drawn the wrong conclusion. There is nothing real to achieve because you are already all you are longing to be.
Sounds like esoteric bullshit right now, I know. Doesn’t help when you’re longing to not feel so literally alone, I know. That’s OK.
You are not ‘running out’ of any of the things you need.
You are not as fat, ugly or unhealthy as you convince yourself you are.
Life is not forsaking you by not giving you what you are longing for right now, it is preparing the way for greater good than your small, doubting self can imagine.
Stop pushing yourself so hard.
You can not heal this by pushing through it, you have to let go.
It’s going to be OK.
Big, Knowing Self
*Quoting myself from a draft of the first piece I wrote tonight.