How to have the best food orgasm of your life!!!

Most of us have some degree of an unhealthy oral fixation. We are strangely neurotic and, quite frankly, decently screwed up when it comes to what we are willing to put into our mouths on a regular basis. I’m not just referring to the clinically diagnosed ‘eating disorders’ that are running rife in our crazy nations, I’m referring to an insidious, collective eating disorder rapidly consuming the ‘developed’ world. The malignant social cancer of apathetic, ignorant food consumption is literally killing us, and worse still, it’s completely robbing us of the sensual, joyous, orgasmic experience of eating real food!

For years now the debauchery of ‘emotional eating’ has been thrown in our faces. Being an ‘emotional eater’ has become a catch-phrase for calorific doom and having the self-control and emotional stability of a 3 year old locked in a lolly shop… but we’ve got it all backwards my friends! We’ve got it all backwards! Without any strong positive emotional investment in what we’ve been eating, we’ve effectively allowed the extinction of thousands of varieties of nature perfected, nutritionally complete food sources and supported the potentially cataclysmic widespread homogenisation of our food sources. Independent soy farmers in America are being sued by gargantuan multinationals for having the audacity to reject buying into the genetically modified, STERILE* seed stock they are peddling. Independent farmers are losing. Our willingness to ‘turn a blind eye’ and accept science-fiction-esque experiments at our dinner table has lead to a meat industry in which poultry is chemically manipulated to the point where chickens are no longer able to stand by themselves, let alone reproduce naturally. The outbreak of ‘mad-cow’ disease a few years back caused the countries involved to stop forcing cows to eat offal from other cows and instead decided it was ok for cows to eat the waste from dead chickens (who had been eating dead cows). Is it just me or are all these facts incredibly fucked up?!**

‘Apathetic eating’ has landed us in this gastronomic hell and only the reclamation of ‘emotional eating’ can save us. Caring about what we’re eating is important! Being passionately, sensuously connected to the morsels that enter our mouths is not only vitally important for our personal and global health, it’s a vital part of the path to exquisite physical and emotional bliss! 🙂 Promise. All it takes is the cultivation of regular food orgasms. You know what I’m talking about right? Ohhhh wait, maybe you don’t!  For those of you who have forgotten or, god forbid, never had a food orgasm… let me walk you through the process.

Choose the food and set the mood….

Wander down to your local growers’ market and/or organic grocers’*** and chat up some succulent melons, luscious red strawberries and tender peas. Promise them a good time and they’ll definitely come home with you. Invite plump and buxom fresh cheese and the melt-in-your-mouth seduction of real (Fair Trade) chocolate to really make this a night to remember.

When you get your delicious little beauties home, make sure you give them the time and space they deserve. Turn the T.V. off, give yourself the luxury of time and prepare to get to know your succulent yummy things intimately.

Take it slow…

Sit down at your table (or picnic rug) and let your eyes wander salaciously over your newest treasures. Touch them, breathe them in, appreciate them.

Use your fingers… ****

Bring that tantalising little titbit to the tip of your tongue and taste it. No, really… taste it. 

Invoke the provocative lyricism of a wine connoisseur (or the voice at the other end of a 1800 number) and let your imagination run wild. As you imbibe this delicious fragment of oral pleasure, think of where it came from, the exquisite wholeness and fullness of its flavour and the  richness of its contribution to your marvellous body. 🙂

Make some noise… Moan in pleasure… It’s seriously that good…. You’ve just gotta let yourself go a little… embrace the experience 😉

Masticate slowly…. oh yes, my friends, masticate slowly. It’s very, very important.

Ride the peaks and the troughs like the tantric master you are 😉 The sweet, the sour, the salty, the bitter and the umami… all perfect in their varying degrees of subtlety  and strength. The flowing juices, the tantalising crunch….

OH MY GOD!!!! YES!!! Yes, yes, YES!

Stay still. Breathe. Take it slow. Enjoy the post coital reprieve.

That, my friends, is emotional eating at its best… Are you getting any? 😉 *****

*By forcing farmers to buy sterile, one crop seeds, the multinationals are setting themselves up as the drug dealers of the produce world – ensuring that their underlings have no choice but to keep coming back for a ‘hit’, locked in an exploitative relationship with no means of escape. And it’s not just soy crops… take the seeds from your average basket of supermarket vegetables and try to grow your own from them… good luck, in many, many cases, you’ll be waiting forever.

** For the record, yes, I am a vegetarian and I have been for 9 years but I’m not necessarily advocating vegetarianism. What I am advocating is the conscious, deliberate consumption of meat in which we are aware of where our meat came from, how it was raised and what it took to get that piece of steak to our table.

*** Other alternatives include actually growing your own and/or becoming a regular at a wholefoods café near you.

**** Eating with your hands is literally, physically better for you. Tiny receptors in your fingertips send excited messages to your stomach about the goodness on its way and the stomach starts preparing in earnest. We are natural organisms of incredibly intelligent design, using metal knives and forks short-circuits part of this intelligence. Whenever you possibly can, eat with your hands. For more interesting and related info I recommend the book ‘Brain Child’ by Tony Buzan

***** I seem to be using a HEAP of these magical little stars in this post, I thought I’d include a few more for good measure! hehehe

NB- For a fantastic read on the subject of food, check out Barbara Kingslover’s book ‘Animal, Vegetable, Miracle’. Highly, highly recommended.