I have a Death wish.

Sometimes I want to cry in relief at the remembering of the fact that I will be dead one day. It is the ultimate in readjusting my perspective, the good old spectre of Death. I get so intensely caught up in the traps of my intellect and ego sometimes that only the mantra ‘You will be dead one day. You will be dead one day.’ is strong enough to snap me out of it. I wish I remembered this fact more often, sooner and with more sacred clarity – this is my Death wish. I wish for myself the expanded perspective to see how much of what I worry about is superficial and chronically self-defeating. I wish I could, once and for all, place ultimate Trust in Life’s hands and live from the knowing that Life has got me and will carry me perfectly to Death’s door. For that is where this body, this intellect, this ego, this assembly of ‘me’ is going. That’s where we’re all going. The only difference is how we get there.

I want to arrive

Breathless

At Death’s door

With my hair tousled and full of leaves from having laid with Life so intensely

So intimately

Right up until a moment ago when, with a deep kiss

I tore myself away

Turned to the face of my new Lover and surrendered myself to Him in ecstasy.

 

For now, for this sacred Now, Life is my Beloved and he is courting me. He showers me with gifts and tender moments and I so rarely see them. He whispers to me ‘Open your eyes my Love, open your eyes.’ I went for a little walk this evening, my brain thick with numbers and ‘sales pages’ and ‘social media’ and ‘WordPress Plug-ins’ and conclusions of ‘failure’ and being ‘inadequate’… I went for a little walk because the quiet, knowing part of me reminded me that my Beloved was waiting to go walking with me. On our small walk, I found $5, heard a bird cry ‘Remember Joy! Remember Joy!’ and looked down to see a silver chain with a love heart pendant on it waiting for me. “Stop stressing about money and ‘not doing enough'” said this Divine Lover of mine “Remember that I love you and I am completely committed to supporting you.” I sat for a moment on a log by the side of the road and looked with my miracle eyes to see the gracious, effortless perfection of Nature. The land shimmered, as it always does when I am holding His hand.

We walked home, me with my gifts in my pocket and He with my surrendered self in His hands…

I am cherished and adored and supported by my Beloved.

 

 

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